if i ever have a child and its a girl, I will dress her in nothing but tutu’s until she can tell me not to. they are adorable on the little people.

I’ve gotten exactly what i wanted and i have never felt so empty. I feel like i am the worse person on the entire planet and i don’t know if this feeling will go away. I prayed for this you know, it’s all that i wanted but i don’t know anymore. I don’t know how to walk around and pretend like nothing is wrong but i don’t know how not to. God forbid i have a bad day or actually feel something other than happiness. I can’t just keep pretending like everything is the same and like I’m ok. I’m not ok. It’s like in the middle of the day when I’m eating lunch or out shopping i just want to burst into tears and it’s all i can do to hold them back. something is missing from my life and i don’t know what it is. I just can’t keep doing this. I don’t know how to stop, i don’t know how to say no, I don’t even know what i really want. I guess it’s all for the best and i guess this all might dissipate in time but right now i feel like shit.

1. get a bank account and deposit my first check
2. organize my list of what i have to get for my dorm
3. call FSU and find out about:
1. Bright futures
2. medical crap
3. financial aid
4. dorm payment deferment
4. find and buy a new bicycle
5. pay back Lisa for the camera
6. clean my room
7. read a good book
8. balance respect and independence
9. learn my limitations
10. mail my thank-yous
11. sew more
12. spend more time with those i love

I have one month, three weeks and one and a half days until it has to be done and figured out.

i know that it seems stupid but I’m tired and annoyed with my mom and dad and i cant get away from any of them and i just tryed to put movies on my ipod and all of my music, some of which i cant get back has decided to disappear. ugh.

so, I just told my mom that i lost someone else's $450 dollar camera. it’s defiantly up there on the top five worst moments of my life. I guess that I've handled the case of my irresponsibility as responsibly as possible  yet i still feel all outta wack. I told everyone and even the person who owned it and the funny thing is that the woman who owned it was so sweet and understanding and my parents were just pissed and angry. the good thing is is that i have a job so i don't have to ask them to fix the problem and i have been completely honest. I don't know how long its been gone, i was stupid and put it in a place that doesn't lock and i didn't look for it until tonight but i guess they’re more upset because I'm going to be an adult and this shouldn't be an issue. I guess that this is the last major life lesson i get to have before i become an adult which happens in just two days and they’re really trying to make it stick. My dad is convinced that I’m lying about how i lost the camera but the thing is I’m really not. I don’t really know what to do to make him happy, I guess that I could lie and admit to lying about something that I’m not but that isn’t going to solve any of the problems and the thing that i don’t get is why he feels like this. I could maybe understand if i lied all of the time but i don’t. I don’t know, in a year none of this will matter. I have a job at my mamaw’s office and it is supposed to be part-time but i would love to work full-time. I just made $56.00 in one full time day. I would love to do it but i guess that i have to take what i can get. I can’t wait for school to start and get away from all of my family. I love them but i think that i am just tired of them and that time away will make me actually want to spend time with them rather than just dread when they are around. I hope that they don't think that they are going to get to still tell me what to do because in two days I'm done with that, i will be respectful but they are absolutely not going to tell me what i can and can not do once i become an adult, especially not because of some stupid camera. anyway that’s all for now.